I have been thinking for a while about taking the blog down. In the last few months my life has become such a shadow of its former self that it has been difficult to get out of bed in the morning, much less take the brain cell energy to post any coherent thoughts. My unemployment benefits ended in January and I have no income at all now. I still continue to apply for jobs but I can't even get an interview anymore. I have managed to keep my internet connection up to this point, but I don't see how I can continue much longer.
I hardly get out of the apartment anymore. My only pleasure in life is baseball and I have concentrated solely on that. Wasting one single thought on politics only emphasizes to me the total breakdown this country has undergone and will continue to undergo. I could write a thesis on how I think we got to this point, but it hardly matters now. There is no going back.
The one thing that is still precious to me, after all I have gone through, is life. While my life is miserable, I still have it. I am not a suicidal person; I have always believed that as long as I have people that love me, I have to continue living, no matter how bad it gets. The preciousness of life was brought home to me even more when I received the news yesterday that a childhood friend of mine, less than a year older than me, had passed away of cancer. I had lost touch with this friend, but her death still touches me deeply. Someone I grew up with, spent countless precious hours with, no longer breathes on this earth. It can't get more final than that. Life ending is something that I have not considered or comprehended even amid all the failure and disappointment and total breakdown of everything I have known in my 51 years on this planet. I still breathe. For everything that this friend once meant to me, I have to hold onto that, no matter what happens.
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